Moving out & moving on

Hi,

Another city, another try. The last time I’ve lived on my own I wrote about how unhappy I was. And here I am, one year and a lot of journal entries later, trying again. Hopefully this time around I’ll be happier.

A lot has changed in a year. I’ve learned to be more confident, to be stronger. I worked a retail job where the ugliest personalities would come in and tell me what I did and didn’t do right. It would’ve broken 19 year old me. But 20 year old me’s still standing. Taking in everything and simply saying ‘thank you and have a nice day’. Having worked at that job has prepared me for my internship in a way I didn’t think was possible.

My internship. Something I’ve been dreading all summer. Not because I’m not excited, but because the critic in me is in constant fear of not being good enough. Finally being able to write all day for five months brings out the little kid on christmas morning in me. Still, I’m very very anxious and scared of failure. But in failure we see growth. So that’s what I’m gonna keep telling myself.

The past few months have been about moving on. I’ve learned no one owes me their time and effort, so if they don’t want to invest their time and effort in me, that’s okay. Forcing someone to be in your life is toxic and I’m sorry to anyone I might’ve hurt. I was still learning that people can walk out of your life as easily as they walk into it. I’ve learned that having a handfull of loving, caring and supportive friends is all I need. Having them in my life is enough to make me feel full and happy constantly. And if they choose to leave, I’ll have to let them.

Writing this from my couch, watching Pocahontas while my roommate’s playing his music a little too loud, is somewhat comforting to me. Having a place to call my own again is something I’ve truly missed, even though it didn’t work out last time. I have a feeling this time will be different.

Life’s all about growth, baby. Let’s grow together.

Love,
Anouk

Don’t be a d*ck

Hi,

I don’t really know what kind of tropical island my country has become, but it for sure has been HOT these past couple of weeks. We’re all just out here trying to get through our days without feeling discomfort. This results in people of all shapes and sizes wearing minimal and less clothing, which is totally cool (ha, get it?). But since some people are complete dicks and can’t keep their mouths shut about an innocent being’s appearance, here’s a list of things to never point out about someone or make fun of:

  1. Cellulite
  2. Stretch marks
  3. Scars
  4. Sweat stains (we’ve all been there and it’s fine)
  5. The length of a woman’s skirt, dress or any other type of clothing
  6. Someone’s belly popping out under their shirt
  7. Wether someone has a ‘bikini body’ or not (you work whatever your momma gave you sis)
  8. Muslim women wearing long sleeved clothing
  9. Body hair (it’s literally hair why are you crying?)
  10. Someone’s red face due to heat

It’s really not that hard to just turn your head and mind your own business. We’re all out here trying to survive the heat and it takes a lot of courage for someone to step out and show the world whatever they’re insecure about. We’re all human, we’re all a little bumpy and we’re all just out here living our life’s the way we feel is best for us.

So, don’t get too caught up with whatever your appearance is going to be like this summer. You’re all toned up? You go! You’re still stuck with that winter fur? You go! Me and my five rolls applaud every single one of you. And for the people who try to come at me or anyone else; I’ll do an extra walk, walk, jiggle and pose. Just for you.

All my love,

Anouk

 

Numbers are stupid and here’s why

Hi,

Remember when you were younger and the only thing you had to worry about was your mom’s reaction to your dirty clothes? You had been rolling around the dirt all day, laughing till your tummy ached and imagining a world of your own. So you would come home; face covered in sand and your new clothes green. And your mom would look at you, nodding her head but smiling. She was just glad you had made your way home safe and sound. And the next day you would find your way to that same, muddy place again and she would nod her head but smile again.

Now? Now our worries are based on numbers. Numbers on a scale that tell you ‘maybe you shouldn’t have eaten that’, numbers of followers on your Instagram account , the grades you get for that test you didn’t go to sleep for, the price tag on that very pretty shirt you could’ve gotten cheaper, but you need to wear brands, right? Our worries are based on what we’re told to do. We’re told to go for that salad instead of the grilled cheese, because you don’t want to get fat, right? We’re told to hand in five papers and write six finals in the span of two weeks, because we’re ‘smart’ enough, right? Not getting over a hundred likes on your instagram picture? You might as well delete your account. Not being able to keep up with the numbers seems to be our biggest worry. But what if we decide to do things in our own pace? Roll around in the mud a little longer?

Sit back for a little bit, take a deep breather and ask yourself; how am I actually doing? What do you need at this very moment to feel better? Is it a walk? Maybe a good ol’ piece of chocolate or maybe a hug from your mom? Or is it something bigger? Are you realizing you might not be able to hand in that one paper, because it’s all getting a little too much? Or are you feeling unworthy in the midst of all these girls posing their best pose on Instagram? Are you loosing yourself? I’m here to tell you that whatever you’re feeling is okay. As humans we were put on this earth as individuals, created to form our own opinions and to cave our own paths. But in the midst of the world coming together through social media, we’re starting to loose our own identities. What makes us unique shouldn’t be up for comparison to someone else’s uniqueness. Yet, we’re all striving to be someone else so badly. I strive to be as good in school as my friends, when I know I’ll never be and that’s okay. Forward is forward. I’m my own person and life has a different way of working out for me, so why compare it to someone else’s?

Relatable? Here’s what I want you to do. Turn off your phone, just turn it off; it’s more simple than you think. Put it somewhere far away so that you can’t see it. Now, go outside. Remember your younger self wanting nothing more than to be outside; that part of you is still inside of you. Find it and you’ll find yourself enjoying the warmth of the spring air, you’ll notice the first leaves growing back on the trees, you’ll hear the births chirping. Now, walk. Walk aimlessly. Talk to people you meet on the way. Pet a dog (and then steal the dog). When you get home, go make yourself whatever it is you’re craving. Don’t think about it, just enjoy it. Eat till you’re satisfied and notice your body hugging you for finally listening to it. Turn on your favorite music and dance. Are you noticing how calm you’re feeling? That’s how you’re allowed to feel every single day. We all have our crappy days, but that doesn’t mean life’s crappy. Take care of YOU rather than the you you’re showing to the world.

Your existence is not about numbers. It’s about what you do to make an impact on others. It’s what you do to make this world a little brighter. And it doesn’t matter how you do it. Forward is forward. Cave your own path. Now, THAT’s cool.

All my love,

Anouk

That pretty little thing called music

Hi,

Music is and always has been absolutely everything to me. One of my earliest memories when it comes to music is of my mom cleaning the house while blasting some of her favorite songs. And I would just sit there and enjoy the music with her. Then there was my dad watching a live DVD of Rammstein and let’s just say that was a traumatizing experience for six year old me. But of course that didn’t keep me from listening to music.

I remember getting my first computer in my room. I was about ten years old and I did nothing else but listen to Buttons by the Pussycat Dolls every single day. I also listened to Chris Brown a lot, but since he’s a piece of human trash we’re gonna move on and pretend that didn’t happen. I would lock myself up in my room and make up choreographies to Shut Up And Drive by Rihanna and Bumpy Ride by Mohombi.

Once I got older and decided a dance career would never happen for me, music became a more meaningful thing to me. I realized that sometimes it could be the only thing that would get me through my day. I started going to concerts more and the artists behind my favorite songs became important to me. I would read articles and watch videos about their lives, just to escape mine. Their words have and always will inspire me, motivate me and shaped me into the person I am today.

Without music I wouldn’t have met a lot of my friends. We bonded over our favorite artists through Twitter, met at concerts and soon became such close friends. Some of my best friends live on the other side of the planet. It’s crazy how music can bring people together, isn’t it?

So yeah, this month was shitty, but I discovered so many new, fun songs that pulled me through. There’s nothing a little shimmy shimmy shake on a friday night can’t fix. Also ice cream. Ice cream fixes a lot too. If you want to know how crappy my music taste is, you can check out my Spotify by clicking here.

Sad? Music. Happy? Music. Stressed? Music. Heartbroken? Music. Hotel? Trivago.

All my love,

Anouk

 

 

I’m having a shitty day

Hi,

So, the sky pretty much sums up my mood today. I started the day of with a solid 40 minute breakdown and now I can’t seem to snap out of it. There’s only one thing left to try; bother you with my problems.

Eating healthy has been going well, I started to get motivated for school and I’ve overall been feeling great. And then one shitty thing happens and I start to question my entire 20 years worth of living. Am I enough for school? For my friends? For my family? For love? For life? For myself? I know I’m an emotional person and that certain situations have a bigger impact on me than they should; but lately it’s been getting worse.

Sometimes, when I’m all up in my feelings, it feels like I was born to be the wrong person. Way to be dramatic, Anouk. And it probably doesn’t make any sense, because we’ve all been put on this wonderful earth for a reason. But no offense to me, but what the f*ck am I doing? I’m bursting with passion and creativity every single day. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, but it almost feels impossible. Whenever I’m so close to reaching it, life’s like ‘Nah girl, stay in your lane’. So I try again. And life’s shitty again. And I try harder. And life’s even shittier. It’s a never ending cycle of unfortunate events.

So, I didn’t go to school today. Instead, my cup has been filled with tea about five times now. I watched a movie about French women during World War II (happy international women’s day) and stuffed my face with nice cream while bawling my eyes out whenever it started to rain. And, as I’m writing this I realize that now, it’s time to pull myself together. I’m going to get ready, put some make up on, work on school, meet up with a friend and end this day less shitty than it started. Or at least I’m gonna try and that’s something I’m already pretty proud of. So let’s have a little dance party to DANCE by DNCE (highly recommend listening to this song when having a shitty day, because I guarantee you; it makes you want to dance around like a five year old). Maybe if I keep fighting for what I want, even after a shitty day, life might be nice to me after all.

Positive diary entry: today was stupid, but I found a way to make it less stupid.

(also, it’d be cool for it to stop raining)

(also also, I’m going to start posting on YouTube again very very soon. So click here to check out my channel and subscribe while you’re at it)

All my love,

Anouk

28/02/2018

Hi,

So let’s cut the crap, shall we.

If you’ve ever met me in real life you might’ve noticed that I’m a little bigger than your average Instagram model. This caused a lot of sadness and insecurity throughout high school and I just quickly want to talk about all that (so there’s still time to click off now, lol).

Something I vividly remember is me being a very active kid. I loved being outside, running around and going to PE class. I would actively play sports up until high school and I hated sitting still. My love for food has always been there though. I had to have that extra cookie and if I didn’t get it I would secretly eat it anyway. But because I was such an active, happy kid who didn’t care about what food did to my body, I just kept on eating. Fast forward into high school I had friends who loved food just as much as I did. The amount of afternoons spent at Mc Donald’s or going into grocery stores to buy chocolate are pretty much uncountable. Once my body started changing and puberty got the best of me, I noticed myself gaining a significant amount of weight fast and, well, my friends didn’t. So they kept on buying all the junk food and I just kept on tagging along, because the fear of missing out was huge for me. So I kept on eating all the crap, hiding food from my parents, binging as soon as I had the house to myself and I quit playing sports.

Instead of playing sports I found a love for the internet; Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, you name it. So I ate for three, barely left my house and that confidence I had as a kid slowly left my conscience. With YouTube and Instagram getting big, I started to compare myself to every single girl I followed. This got so bad to the point where I truly, genuinely felt like I was the ugliest girl in the world and no one would ever love me. I wouldn’t leave my house on the weekends out of shame for what I did to myself. I’ve probably seen every ‘how to loose weight’ video under the horizon. So I tried dieting several times and failed several times. I would binge one day and then starve myself the next to punish myself. This went on until I was about 17 years old.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school, I slowly learned to love and accept my body for what it was. I learned that every single body matters, that I matter. Throughout college that feeling got stronger and stronger and right now I can safely say I’ve one hundred percent accepted my very own work of art. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy. Because let’s me honest; I still eat like a little asshole. I love my body but I don’t show it, because all I do is filling it with crap. I’m 20 years old, but I don’t feel like a 20 year old. I’m constantly feeling tired, unenergized, sluggish and unhappy. Like, will there ever come a time where I can go through a day without wanting to take a nap?

So today, february 28th 2018 is the day where I, Anouk Suzanne Timmer, am going to cut all the crap out of my life. I’m so ready to find my love for life again. To wake up and feel genuinely happy at least once. So if you ever see me walking around with something other than a green smoothie, please punch me in the face.

Little disclaimer: I might sound a little bias now, because yes; I’m aware of the fact that eating healthy and working out is gonna cause me to loose weight. But I love my body now and I’ll love my body then. Perfection isn’t real and it’s not what I’m striving for. I’m also not telling you to do what I’m doing. The only thing I want to give you with this post is this: if you’re unhappy or in need of change, f*cking work on it. Don’t wait around expecting life to do it for you, because it won’t. This life is all about what you make of it. So what do you choose? I’d choose happiness if I were you.

All of my love,

Anouk

Complicated me

I’m never satisfied, but at the same time the littlest things can make me happy. I can go weeks without crying and then spend five days breaking down over everything and anything. I love food, but I hate it for not keeping my tummy flat. I can’t go a day without listening to music even when I’m skipping through all the songs. I’m picky, but I want everything. I’ve never fallen in love, but I can like you in a heartbeat. I love snow as long as I don’t have to go outside. I eat cheese, but only on pizza please (If you got that reference you’re my new best friend). I have a big pile of unused notebooks and I still buy more. I bought a polaroid camera, but find it a waste to use my film rolls. I keep purchasing books, but don’t allow myself to make time to read.

I’m consumed with a thousand passions, but fear holds me back constantly. I claim to be confident and then compare myself to all the slim-legged, brown eyed, tanned girls on Instagram. I want to get a degree, but lack the motivation to make that happen. I buy 40$ hoodies and only wear them to bed. I love taking baths, but always run the water too hot. I want to move to the city and adopt an alpaca and 10 goats at the same time. I should go outside, but enjoy the comfort of my bed more. I have the most amazing friends, but don’t make enough effort to see them. I want to travel more even though I’m an overthinker, scared to get lost. I claim to have no talents until Big Sean’s part in As Long As You Love Me comes on. I’m constantly trying to live in the present, but my mind is stuck in the past.

I’m gonna try to live the happiest, most fullfilled life I can, but it might take some time.

All my love,

Anouk