So let’s cut the crap, shall we.
If you’ve ever met me in real life you might’ve noticed that I’m a little bigger than your average Instagram model. This caused a lot of sadness and insecurity throughout high school and I just quickly want to talk about all that (so there’s still time to click off now, lol).
Something I vividly remember is me being a very active kid. I loved being outside, running around and going to PE class. I would actively play sports up until high school and I hated sitting still. My love for food has always been there though. I had to have that extra cookie and if I didn’t get it I would secretly eat it anyway. But because I was such an active, happy kid who didn’t care about what food did to my body, I just kept on eating. Fast forward into high school I had friends who loved food just as much as I did. The amount of afternoons spent at Mc Donald’s or going into grocery stores to buy chocolate are pretty much uncountable. Once my body started changing and puberty got the best of me, I noticed myself gaining a significant amount of weight fast and, well, my friends didn’t. So they kept on buying all the junk food and I just kept on tagging along, because the fear of missing out was huge for me. So I kept on eating all the crap, hiding food from my parents, binging as soon as I had the house to myself and I quit playing sports.
Instead of playing sports I found a love for the internet; Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, you name it. So I ate for three, barely left my house and that confidence I had as a kid slowly left my conscience. With YouTube and Instagram getting big, I started to compare myself to every single girl I followed. This got so bad to the point where I truly, genuinely felt like I was the ugliest girl in the world and no one would ever love me. I wouldn’t leave my house on the weekends out of shame for what I did to myself. I’ve probably seen every ‘how to loose weight’ video under the horizon. So I tried dieting several times and failed several times. I would binge one day and then starve myself the next to punish myself. This went on until I was about 17 years old.
Fast forward to my senior year of high school, I slowly learned to love and accept my body for what it was. I learned that every single body matters, that I matter. Throughout college that feeling got stronger and stronger and right now I can safely say I’ve one hundred percent accepted my very own work of art. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy. Because let’s me honest; I still eat like a little asshole. I love my body but I don’t show it, because all I do is filling it with crap. I’m 20 years old, but I don’t feel like a 20 year old. I’m constantly feeling tired, unenergized, sluggish and unhappy. Like, will there ever come a time where I can go through a day without wanting to take a nap?
So today, february 28th 2018 is the day where I, Anouk Suzanne Timmer, am going to cut all the crap out of my life. I’m so ready to find my love for life again. To wake up and feel genuinely happy at least once. So if you ever see me walking around with something other than a green smoothie, please punch me in the face.
Little disclaimer: I might sound a little bias now, because yes; I’m aware of the fact that eating healthy and working out is gonna cause me to loose weight. But I love my body now and I’ll love my body then. Perfection isn’t real and it’s not what I’m striving for. I’m also not telling you to do what I’m doing. The only thing I want to give you with this post is this: if you’re unhappy or in need of change, f*cking work on it. Don’t wait around expecting life to do it for you, because it won’t. This life is all about what you make of it. So what do you choose? I’d choose happiness if I were you.
All of my love,