I’m having a shitty day


So, the sky pretty much sums up my mood today. I started the day of with a solid 40 minute breakdown and now I can’t seem to snap out of it. There’s only one thing left to try; bother you with my problems.

Eating healthy has been going well, I started to get motivated for school and I’ve overall been feeling great. And then one shitty thing happens and I start to question my entire 20 years worth of living. Am I enough for school? For my friends? For my family? For love? For life? For myself? I know I’m an emotional person and that certain situations have a bigger impact on me than they should; but lately it’s been getting worse.

Sometimes, when I’m all up in my feelings, it feels like I was born to be the wrong person. Way to be dramatic, Anouk. And it probably doesn’t make any sense, because we’ve all been put on this wonderful earth for a reason. But no offense to me, but what the f*ck am I doing? I’m bursting with passion and creativity every single day. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, but it almost feels impossible. Whenever I’m so close to reaching it, life’s like ‘Nah girl, stay in your lane’. So I try again. And life’s shitty again. And I try harder. And life’s even shittier. It’s a never ending cycle of unfortunate events.

So, I didn’t go to school today. Instead, my cup has been filled with tea about five times now. I watched a movie about French women during World War II (happy international women’s day) and stuffed my face with nice cream while bawling my eyes out whenever it started to rain. And, as I’m writing this I realize that now, it’s time to pull myself together. I’m going to get ready, put some make up on, work on school, meet up with a friend and end this day less shitty than it started. Or at least I’m gonna try and that’s something I’m already pretty proud of. So let’s have a little dance party to DANCE by DNCE (highly recommend listening to this song when having a shitty day, because I guarantee you; it makes you want to dance around like a five year old). Maybe if I keep fighting for what I want, even after a shitty day, life might be nice to me after all.

Positive diary entry: today was stupid, but I found a way to make it less stupid.

(also, it’d be cool for it to stop raining)

(also also, I’m going to start posting on YouTube again very very soon. So click here to check out my channel and subscribe while you’re at it)

All my love,




So let’s cut the crap, shall we.

If you’ve ever met me in real life you might’ve noticed that I’m a little bigger than your average Instagram model. This caused a lot of sadness and insecurity throughout high school and I just quickly want to talk about all that (so there’s still time to click off now, lol).

Something I vividly remember is me being a very active kid. I loved being outside, running around and going to PE class. I would actively play sports up until high school and I hated sitting still. My love for food has always been there though. I had to have that extra cookie and if I didn’t get it I would secretly eat it anyway. But because I was such an active, happy kid who didn’t care about what food did to my body, I just kept on eating. Fast forward into high school I had friends who loved food just as much as I did. The amount of afternoons spent at Mc Donald’s or going into grocery stores to buy chocolate are pretty much uncountable. Once my body started changing and puberty got the best of me, I noticed myself gaining a significant amount of weight fast and, well, my friends didn’t. So they kept on buying all the junk food and I just kept on tagging along, because the fear of missing out was huge for me. So I kept on eating all the crap, hiding food from my parents, binging as soon as I had the house to myself and I quit playing sports.

Instead of playing sports I found a love for the internet; Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, you name it. So I ate for three, barely left my house and that confidence I had as a kid slowly left my conscience. With YouTube and Instagram getting big, I started to compare myself to every single girl I followed. This got so bad to the point where I truly, genuinely felt like I was the ugliest girl in the world and no one would ever love me. I wouldn’t leave my house on the weekends out of shame for what I did to myself. I’ve probably seen every ‘how to loose weight’ video under the horizon. So I tried dieting several times and failed several times. I would binge one day and then starve myself the next to punish myself. This went on until I was about 17 years old.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school, I slowly learned to love and accept my body for what it was. I learned that every single body matters, that I matter. Throughout college that feeling got stronger and stronger and right now I can safely say I’ve one hundred percent accepted my very own work of art. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy. Because let’s me honest; I still eat like a little asshole. I love my body but I don’t show it, because all I do is filling it with crap. I’m 20 years old, but I don’t feel like a 20 year old. I’m constantly feeling tired, unenergized, sluggish and unhappy. Like, will there ever come a time where I can go through a day without wanting to take a nap?

So today, february 28th 2018 is the day where I, Anouk Suzanne Timmer, am going to cut all the crap out of my life. I’m so ready to find my love for life again. To wake up and feel genuinely happy at least once. So if you ever see me walking around with something other than a green smoothie, please punch me in the face.

Little disclaimer: I might sound a little bias now, because yes; I’m aware of the fact that eating healthy and working out is gonna cause me to loose weight. But I love my body now and I’ll love my body then. Perfection isn’t real and it’s not what I’m striving for. I’m also not telling you to do what I’m doing. The only thing I want to give you with this post is this: if you’re unhappy or in need of change, f*cking work on it. Don’t wait around expecting life to do it for you, because it won’t. This life is all about what you make of it. So what do you choose? I’d choose happiness if I were you.

All of my love,


Complicated me

I’m never satisfied, but at the same time the littlest things can make me happy. I can go weeks without crying and then spend five days breaking down over everything and anything. I love food, but I hate it for not keeping my tummy flat. I can’t go a day without listening to music even when I’m skipping through all the songs. I’m picky, but I want everything. I’ve never fallen in love, but I can like you in a heartbeat. I love snow as long as I don’t have to go outside. I eat cheese, but only on pizza please (If you got that reference you’re my new best friend). I have a big pile of unused notebooks and I still buy more. I bought a polaroid camera, but find it a waste to use my film rolls. I keep purchasing books, but don’t allow myself to make time to read.

I’m consumed with a thousand passions, but fear holds me back constantly. I claim to be confident and then compare myself to all the slim-legged, brown eyed, tanned girls on Instagram. I want to get a degree, but lack the motivation to make that happen. I buy 40$ hoodies and only wear them to bed. I love taking baths, but always run the water too hot. I want to move to the city and adopt an alpaca and 10 goats at the same time. I should go outside, but enjoy the comfort of my bed more. I have the most amazing friends, but don’t make enough effort to see them. I want to travel more even though I’m an overthinker, scared to get lost. I claim to have no talents until Big Sean’s part in As Long As You Love Me comes on. I’m constantly trying to live in the present, but my mind is stuck in the past.

I’m gonna try to live the happiest, most fullfilled life I can, but it might take some time.

All my love,


Liking someone


So, unless you haven’t been outside for the past two weeks, you would’ve probably noticed it’s almost Valentine’s Day. For me it’s more of a ‘stuff your face with Ben & Jerry’s’ day. That’s not even because this day gets me sad, because it doesn’t. It’s simply because I can eat my entire bodyweight in Chocolate Fudge Brownie without anyone judging me. Luckily, my family ended up winning 24 cans of the only men in my life; Ben and Jerry(‘s). Just in time for the 14th.

Now, I’m not here to talk about my obsessive ice cream binging. I’m here to talk about liking someone. Yes, the scary L-word. I think we can all agree that liking someone in this day and age sucks. Especially for hopeless romantics like me, the whole idea of a text being the most romantic thing you can get, is stupid. The smile appearing on my face when that someone finally texts back after 34 hours is stupid. The whole idea of social media being the key to it all nowadays is stupid.

I’m all here for Noah asking Allie out in The Notebook. How he stayed so persistent, because he knew exactly what he wanted. And to be honest, I’ve never really been quiet about liking someone. I develop crushes very easily. When someone’s personality’s nice, I’ll immediately know I can genuinely like that person and in most cases I’ll tell them. Because waiting around for a sign is something I’m too impatient for. And as the hopeless romantic I am, I sometimes even get creative with it too. Sadly, none of this ever worked out, but it did give me a chance to move on with my life. Feelings can’t be forced, so it’s cool if the other person doesn’t feel that way, but being scared of the outcome is only going to hold you back from finding the one.

Every time my mom tells me about how she and my dad met, I wish I could live in a time where social media wasn’t there to pull all the romance out of liking someone. I don’t want you to slide in my DMs. No, bring me flowers instead. Don’t tex me, call me (lol no, skip that. I hate calling). I actually want to know how you’re doing when I ask you how you’re doing. We all say we crave love, but are we actually genuinely trying to get it?

Love is fun. Liking someone is fun. But we all claim to hate it, because the internet says we have to, right? Whenever I’m talking to someone and it doesn’t end up going the way I want to, I immediately claim to ‘hate boys’. Because we’re generated to feel that way because of YouTube videos or Tumblr posts or TV shows. We see billions of pictures and videos of couples showing of their love to the world and it makes people feel miserable. Because as soon as we can’t get something as perfect as that, we throw the towel (is that a saying or did I just make something up?) and give up. My mom always says my standards are too high and I can’t blame her, because yeah, they probably are. We’re too consumed achieving the things we see online, rather than creating our own. So, I challenge you to create your own. Spend less time looking at your phone and spend more time looking at the world. Who knows, you might end up finding what you’ve been looking for.

With all of this being said, there’s one thing you have to put first and that’s you. Love and commitment comes with self love. Don’t go seeking love in others, because it’s not gonna work. So, if you don’t have a valentine this year, it’s cool. Go spend the day loving yourself. Get some of your favorite food, watch your favorite movie; do something that makes you happy. It’s just a normal Wednesday where people like to show each other a little more love and that’s nothing to be sad about.

Happy Valentine’s Day! X

All my love,


Healthy habits


This week has been exhausting to say the least. My days were packed with work and school and today is my only day off until I start the same routine tomorrow. Now, I can’t complain, because I work at a job with the most fun colleagues and school only takes up two days of the week. But to create a more peaceful and chill environment for myself I created some healthy habits to make everything a bit easier.

Starting of with my nights. I’m a night owl and I always have been ever since I was little. I would hide somewhere in the living room at night hoping my parents wouldn’t notice I was still there, so that I could stay up longer. I dreaded going to bed, but my parents, who weren’t stupid, would always know I was still there so up to my room I went. When I got old enough to go to bed by myself I wouldn’t go to sleep until I finished reading an entire book. All of this created an unhealthy habit that wouldn’t let me fall asleep before 11. For someone who has to wake up at 7 almost every morning, that doesn’t work anymore. I’ve noticed my body craving more sleep long ago, but I completely ignored it. You know why? Because I was afraid to miss out on things. TV shows, movies, texts, food. But that text will still be there to answer in the morning and there’s this thing called the internet where I can rewatch everything and anything I want. Once that got through to me, I noticed going to bed early got a lot easier. On week days I try to be in bed by 9.30 pm. I’ll usually read a little and then it’s time to go to sleep.For the past few days I’ve found myself waking up before my alarm, feeling awake and refreshed.

Which brings me to my mornings. I still wouldn’t call myself a morning person, but I’m trying to become one. I usually wake up an hour before I have to leave for work or school, because I like taking my time in the morning. I definitely put my priorities on my looks before. Make up, hair and a breakfast that was far from nutritious. So, I decided to switch that around and spend more time on my breakfast. Because why apply highlighter when you can create a natural glow, am I right ladies? A smoothie, a big fruit bowl or some oatmeal with banana slices is usually what I go for. This is definitely a huge factor in me waking up more easily, because I get way too excited to eat. Putting something nutritious in your body will help you get through your morning with a lot more energy and, possibly, a smile on your face. When it comes to my looks, I decided to let my skin breathe a little more. There’s something so freeing about wearing no make up and I quite enjoyed going through life without it. Lastly, I also like to make my bed every morning, just to get everything more organized in my head. I find there’s nothing more stressful than coming home from a long day at work to find your bed being a chaotic mess.

Now, for the rest of my day. I try to get some excercise in every day. On week days this isn’t hard, since I’m always walking around, lifting boxes, cycling to work etc. But on my days off, like today, I like to go for a walk. I put my headphones in and just walk around aimlessly until I find my way back home. I enjoy walking by myself. It gives me some time to think everything through without anyone disturbing me. I bring a filled water bottle with me everywhere I go. This doesn’t mean I drink a lot of water or anything. I just bring it with me, because I like to create the illusion I’m being healthy af. No, but seriously, I’m working on that.

Happiness is in our own hands. If we depend on someone or something else to create it for us, it’s never going to happen. So create your own, baby. Create an environment that’s comfortable for you and you’ll find yourself feeling freed. Every step you take in life you take for you.

Do you.

All my love,


Wanted: motivation


I don’t like school. In fact, I pretty much hate it. This has never had anything to do with the classes, the teachers or the kids in school. To be honest, up until this day I’ve always had it easy. Except for the studying, the grades and the motivation.

When I was in middle school I wanted to be the best in every class. Especially in sixth grade, right before I was going into high school, I felt like I had to prove I was smart enough. This never came from my parents or my teachers. It came from myself. That sixth grade motivation is something I’ve definitely been lacking over the last couple of years. I value education and I find getting a degree extremely important, but say the word ‘study’ and I’ll run away from you as far as possible.

I don’t know where my lack of motivation started. All I know is that it didn’t make things easier. Here I am, one year behind on my friends, because all I did last year was everything but study. And don’t get me wrong; I tried. I would study, finish my papers and do all that jazz just to find myself failing every class. So what was the point in trying anyway? I felt like a failure next to my friends. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a journalist after all.

But failing doesn’t make you a failure. The thing is, we all do things on our own pace. There’s no such thing as being perfect (except for Beyoncé, she’s allowed to feel and be perfect). I’ve learned to be patient with myself, because I’ve accepted long ago that I’ll never be able to keep up with the rest. And you know what? I don’t have to. We’ve all been put on this world as individuals and we’ll leave as individuals. So, all the negative thoughts have been left somewhere far away in 2017 and it’s time to do me.

Now, I still hate school and I don’t think that’ll change till the day I get to walk out of that building with a journalism degree in my hand. But until that day comes I have to try, get motivated and study. I went on YouTube to find some motivation and girlll you best believe I did. There are some incredible YouTubers out there who make videos all about motivation and being productive. So, this morning I got up at 7.30 am. Yes, I know. Shocker. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on my mom’s face when she saw me awake at this time of day. I’m feeling like a whole new person already. I got my breakfast, got my tea and I went upstairs to work on school.

It’s currently 09.15 am and I’m starting to feel a little bit tired, but I’m very content. All the planning for school is done, my blog is done and I’m about to go for a nice morning walk. I know this all sounds a little too good to be true, so you best believe I’ll be passed out on the couch as soon as I come back from that walk. But it’s a start of something new (totally referring to High School Musical here, but without Troy Bolton serenading me) and I’m excited. For the first time in a really long time I’m starting to feel like I’m getting my shit together again and it feels goooood.

Go get your shit together.

All my love,


New surroundings


Long time no see. I’m sorry. I don’t really believe in new years’ resolutions, but I’ll make consistent blogging one. Let’s pinky promise on that.

Despite me not believing in new years’ resolutions, I do believe in the new year being a fresh start. I like changing things up a little when the new year comes along. It just always feels like the right time to do it.

I decided to start by throwing my old journal away and creating my own one; I started my very own bullet journal. Bullet journaling has become this hot new thing last year, but I held back from doing it, because let’s be honest, I’m not very good at it. Seeing all these perfectly designed journals with perfect handlettering got me believing it’s something I can’t do. Of course that’s complete bullsh*t. Everyone can do it, including me and you. And let me tell you, it’s so. much. fun. From going on Pinterest to get inspiration to creating something yourself. It has definitely become a new, loved hobby. It gives me the opportunity to be more creative and that’s something to be encouraged. So to everyone in doubt if they can do it, let me show you my perfectly imperfect bullet journal.

Second of all, you might have noticed I changed up my blog a little bit, including the link. Right now you can find me on http://www.anouksuzanne.com which makes me sound so professional, doesn’t it? Investing in your own growth is so important and I’m so glad I decided to invest in this blog. Now I really have to stick to our pinky promise. ”Writing is something that can’t be done on commando”, my friend Sterre said the other day. I want to try and blog every week, but I also want to create quality over quantity, so hold it with the pitchforks if I don’t post every week. I’m just extremely excited for this new era. Since starting this blog in 2014 (!!!!) I’ve always wanted my own link and now, four years later, I finally decided it’s the right time. You can’t see it, but I’m doing a little happy dance right now.

And last but not least, I picked my room to be the next victim. I was planning on moving to Amsterdam in February, but life decided it’s not my time yet, so I’ll be living with my parents for at least another six months. Of course they’re more excited about that than I am, but instead of dwelling on the negative I naturally decided to give my room an entire make over. I said naturally, because I have changed my room an uncountable amount of times already. It’s something I got from my mom. Ever since I can remember she’s been changing the interior of our house on almost a weekly basis. I can’t blame her, because she’s really good it. The only thing I blame her for is passing it on to me.

A painted wall and some decorating later my room is finally finished. I’m someone who gets influenced by surroundings very easily. Before giving my room a make over it was quite chaotic and there was no unity. There was a lot going on on my walls and it was always a mess, which made me feel like a chaotic mess all the time. Right now everything’s a lot more organized and I actually like spending time in my room. So without any further ado, enjoy these pictures of my room. P.S. Shoutout to my parents for being so selfless and spending their entire friday and saturday painting everything.

Here’s to new surroundings, changes and beginnings. I challenge you to do the same.

All my love,