Almost 20 and scared 

Twenty years ago my precious mother was about to give birth to a very big, very chubby baby. That baby would be me. September 16, 1997. A day my parents describe as ‘we had a really fun Christmas Eve’. A day I like to describe as ‘half of my friends are born around this time so apparently a lot of parents had a really fun Christmas Eve’. 

I’ve always loved my birthday. I love having my family over, I love throwing a party for my friends (I don’t have that many friends so I prefer calling my parties ‘get-togethers), I may also secretly love getting the gifts I’m receiving. As a kid I would never be able to sleep the night before my birthday. I would think about my parents who’d sing me a happy birthday, with their still sleepy voices, in the morning. My sisters, who were already in the middle of puberty and preferred their sleep over me, would even join them too. I would think about all the kids in my school wishing me a happy birthday. I would think about sharing my birthday with my best friend, who’s probably the only person I would want to share my birthday with. Once I got older my parents’ singing would be received with a pillow in their faces and a very grumpy Anouk. My sisters stopped joining them as well. My best friend and I struggled (and still do) throwing birthday parties together and it turned out we had to share our birthday with two more people in high school. But I don’t mind, that just happens when you get older and less of a morning person. 

The excitement always stayed until this year. I’m turning twenty in two days and I’m terrified. Because let’s face it; I don’t know how to adult. I don’t know how to be a twenty year old. I don’t even have my drivers’ license yet. Why? Because food. I moved back in with my parents, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about living on my own it’s that I hate living on my own. Or maybe I just hate cooking. And cleaning. And cooking. 

People say your twenties are all about being young and having fun. Almost-twenty year old me would much rather spend a Saturday night at home watching vine compilations. Because did I really build a semi social life in my nineteen years of living just to destroy it as I’m turning twenty? Hell yeah, baby. 

Is there anything positive about turning twenty you ask me? My answer is yes. I get to bully my parents with the fact their kids aren’t teenagers anymore and they’re getting old. Also I’m one year closer to being able to drink beer in America. All is well, all is fun. I’m just excited to put on my multi-colored polkadot dress that makes me look like a giant birthday cake and make boomerangs to show the world I’m twenty, cause apparently everyone has to know. 
I’m one year closer to retirement, baby. Woohoo.
Love, Anouk

I’m addicted

Hi there,

It’s been a while, since everything. Writing, photograpy, filming. I put all the things I love on hold, because there were more important things to worry about. Like the fact that I felt like absolute shit. I thought ‘I’ve been here before, I’ll get through this again’. But I couldn’t and it got worse. So, I decided to tell my parents which is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Because telling your parents you’re depressed, when they’ve given you any and every reason to be happy, feels like stabbing them in the back. Thankfully, I have the best mom and dad in the world, so they took it in with nothing but support and love. This conversation took place in april and now it’s august. To be honest with you, I’m still experiencing a lot of sad days. But I’m doing better. One step at a time.

I spent the entire summer thinking, evaluating and wondering. And I realized I’m addicted. I’m addicted to social media and I have been ever since I got into high school. Over the years, I’ve formed such an unhealthy relationship with the way social media makes me feel. I’ve started comparing myself to everyone who seemed to have a better life than me. I started relying on people who would leave once something better came along. And the worst of it all, I missed out on being a teenager. Because balance is something I’ve never really been good at. I completely focused on being online, rather than experiencing actual life offline. And I realize that now when I’m about to turn 20. I’m so behind on everything and everyone, but the way I’d like to see it is that I’m still young. My life starts right now and I will make everything I can out of it. Better late than never, right? So, tonight I did something I should’ve done sooner; I deleted my Twitter account. An account I’ve been on every single day ever since I was 12. And it feels fucking great.

I’m far from happy, but I’m getting there and I will get there. Life’s a gift, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t fucking waste it like I did.

Love, Anouk


This year left me a different person. I spent the last days of 2015 screaming on the top of my lungs that 2016 would be MY year and I ended up whispering this is definitely not my year. But maybe it was? I spent all year being a party pooper, crying over events and people that ended up shaping me into a person with a better, stronger mindset. This is something I’ve only realized a day ago and there are only 4 more days left of the year. So I better walk walk walk and pose through these last few days, right? That’s why, after having focussed on how horrible this year was, I now want to focus on a few things that made this year not as bad as I thought.

This year started off the worst way I thought I could ever imagine. Seeing someone you care so deeply about drop you like you’ve never been friends breaks your heart in ways a lover can’t. But that person made room for some people who gave me so much joy, happiness and friendship this year. My friends are the lights of my life and I definitely realized that a lot more this year. From birthday video messages to high school musical sleepovers to heartfelt conversations; they have my heart.

Learning has never been my strongest point. The school kind. I value education and becoming a journalist a lot, but I can’t get myself to learn for finals. I can spend hours getting lost in a book, writing or editing a video, but when it comes to studying my mind shuts down. This led to a summer filled with breakdowns and retakes. I continuously called this summer the worst summer ever, feeling less smarter than my friends, because they had all the freedom in the world. But what’s wrong with having a short learning curve? What’s wrong with having to do things over? What’s wrong with learning a little slower? Well, absolutely nothing.

Boys. Where do I even start. This was probably the first year in my life where I put myself out there and let me tell you; boys are a different species. I put myself out there in a way that I valued their opinions more than my own and I don’t know why. I’ve always done so perfectly fine on my own and I still do, so why do I care so much? The amount of times I blurred out ‘Ugh, boys ruin my life’ this year is a number I definitely can’t count on one hand. But was it really their fault? No. Of course, being an asshole isn’t cute and it’s something you can’t justify. But maybe I should be careful putting so much of myself in someone else when I don’t even know who I am and what I want. Another important lesson learned.

I could ramble on and on about this year and the way it changed me, but I probably already lost your attention by now. I don’t even know where I’m trying to go with this mess of words. It’s just that it’s so important to take something positive out of something that hurt you at the time. Maybe you thought about this year with a negative mindset as well, but did it really suck as much as you thought it did?

See you in 2017.

All my love, Anouk

The big 19


If I look back at the Anouk from last year, a LOT has changed. The past year has been a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve lost some people in my life and I’ve gained some people in my life. I went from being insecure and shy to, somewhat, confident. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been loved. This has definitely been the year where I’ve grown the most as a person (I’m also talking about my ladies down below who decided to grow two cup sizes). Now that I’m writing this, feeling a little bit hungover from this AMAZING birthday weekend, I’m also feeling so thankful to have the friends and family I have. I’ve been spoiled with so much love in the past few days.

In this upcoming year of being 19, I want to achieve a lot of things; I want to start writing more, travel more, make more videos, VISIT NEW YORK!!, meet new people, get healthier, appreciate the people in my life even more than I do already, drop a fire mixtape, adopt an alpaca, become the president of America. Just simple things, you know? I don’t want to sit on my ass and do nothing. I’ve done that for the past 19 years. It’s about damn time I’m going to start living my little me’s dreams.

That’s the ramble for today. I promise I’ll start writing more.

All my love, Anouk


But, who am I?

As I sat on the slightly damp grass, reading one of my favorite books, I couldn’t help but notice some people looking at me. They were probably wondering why I sat there by myself. It bothered me. Not because they were looking, but because of the reason why they were looking. Because why in the world is it ‘strange’ to be alone?

The reason why I moved to a completely strange city I now call home was because of college, but most importantly because no one here knows my name. I can roam around the streets feeling completely free. I’ve been feeling lost and out of place for a really long time and in this city, where all I have is myself, I’ve finally began to find myself again.

I’ve always known what I want to do with my life. I want to write, inspire, travel the world. But, who am I? I’ve been trying to figure that out on my own for the past few weeks. I’ve been going on little ‘dates’ with myself; going to the movies, going for walks to buy ice cream, reading in the park. As the complicated human beings we are, we feel like we have to do all these things with someone by our side. We feel like we need to be surrounded by people constantly. But I figured there’s no better place to feel lost than somewhere in the middle of a big crowd.

Where did it even come from? Who decided you can’t take yourself on an ice cream or movie date? Who said you’re not allowed to find yourself again on your own? It’s not strange. It’s not awkward. It’s the feeling of freedom. I’ve never felt so free in my entire life. I love my friends and my family, but realizing that there’s no shame in having fun by yourself has made me feel a little less lost.

In the end all you need is yourself. It”s all you.

All my love, Anouk


The thing about happiness part II.

A few weeks ago the thing I was most scared of happened. I woke up to go to school and I was just too unhappy to get out of bed. I tried to move, but I simply couldn’t. So I didn’t go to school that day. I knew why I felt this unhappy. I think, at that point, I’d known for a while. I just couldn’t admit it to myself. Until that morning when I couldn’t get out of bed.

Social media has always been a huge part of my life. Especially Twitter. It’s been my outlet for everything. All my emotions, happy and sad, I shared with my friends. My friends who live on the other side of this earth. This resulted in me neglecting my ‘actual’ friends + family. I never really thought about it until recently. Whenever I’m with the people I love, I don’t pay attention to them. Instead I pay attention to my phone. Whenever I’m outside and the sunset looks like the prettiest thing my eyes, again, are focussed on my phone. I stopped appreciating the wonders of this earth (because let me tell you; not only nature, but also the people in my life are absolute wonders). So, I deleted all my social media off my phone, finally got myself out of bed, took a shower and went for a walk. It took me only 2,5 weeks to realize those 5 years of feeling so pressured to be online all the time, weren’t necessary at all.

In these past 2,5 weeks I’ve learned to appreciate my time with the people I’m with. My friends and family are such incredible blessings in my life and they don’t deserve being with someone who’s only interested in her phone. And I don’t want them to think I’m only interested in my phone, because that’s far from the truth. I rediscovered my love for reading. I fall asleep with a book in my hand instead of a phone at night. I even started appreciating the rain. I’ve rekindled my dying love for life and I’m feeling so much happier. There’s still so much I need to work on, but the fact that I can put my phone away for hours, if not a whole day, now without wanting to strangle someone gets me so motivated to do better. To do better in loving and appreciating the life I’ve been given. Not the life on my phone, but my actual life. The life I now prefer to live.

This is a personal thing. To others, being on their phone all the time doesn’t make them unhappy and that’s okay. Social media and it’s influence has a different impact on everyone. The same goes for everything else in life. All I’m trying to say to everyone reading this is if you’re feeling unhappy and you know the reason why: FIX IT! Don’t sit and wait around for a miracle to happen. Happiness is a personal struggle and you have to do it yourself. Feeling happy is so important.

You got this.

All my love, Anouk

Concert Diaries: Alessia Cara

So, this girl. I don’t even know where to start. I’m just so glad me and my friends made the decision to try and stand front row, because holy guacamole.

So, you might know Alessia for her song ‘Here’, which has been playing on the radio continuously (and I don’t mind at all), but after last night she’s so much more than just that song to me. First of all, her voice is INCREDIBLE live. You would think she’s actually lip syncing, because she sounds that good and I’m just so amazed by her talent. Second of all, the way she interacts with us is so special. She isn’t trying to make herself look better than any of us. All she wants to do is make us happy with her music and let me tell you, she got me over the moon happy.

At one point during the show, before she was about to sing ‘Scars To Your Beautiful’, she gave us a speech about feeling beautiful and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been to more concerts in my life and I just know when an artist means what they’re saying or not. But this one was different. This speech came from the heart. It was so real.

At the end, she held everyone on the front row’s hand for a few seconds as a thank you and she actually held all our hands so tightly. It was like she tried to say ‘hey, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please know I really care about you’ and thinking about it makes me tear up a little, because it was like she knew I needed it.

She’s such a little ray of sunshine and you can tell she loves nothing more than making music and sharing it with the world. So, if you get the chance to go see this adorable, talented, STUNNING human being live, please do so.

Also, the supporting act, Craig Stickland is such an incredibly talented man who deserves way much more recognition and love, so subscribe and listen to him here. My personal favorite is ‘Break Every Rule’ and it has been on repeat ever since I woke up this morning.

I’ll never forget this night.